Two years ago, one of the mothers at the soup kitchen was pregnant. And the mother knew I was thrilled to meet the new baby. When the day came that she was born, the mother walked in the door with a huge smile on her face, announced, “This is L,” and handed her right over to me. She was 11 days old. Today she celebrated her second birthday at the soup kitchen.

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I met a woman today who seemed distracted by her phone – and possibly like she was purposefully distracting herself so she didn’t need to interact with others. When she asked for help, though, she mentioned something about her job as a nurse’s aide in a hospice unit of the hospital. Our conversation quickly became deeply intimate as we shared with one another our experiences (mine being very limited) working in hospitals with the dying. We talked about what kind of feelings death of strangers brings up and how we learn to cope with the constant reminder of death in our lives. At one point, she said, “The first time I experienced a patient’s death, I just sobbed. I couldn’t help but thinking of my grandmother and wondering if the nurse’s aides took good care of her body at the end.” I was deeply moved by this young woman and her story, but mostly how quickly I had assumed she wanted nothing to do with talking to me but when we started talking how in-depth our conversation became and how much we connected and comforted one another while sharing similar experiences.

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Sometimes children give me such silly little gifts, but they mean a lot. Today, after a five-year-old finished her hot dog, she used the grease on her fingers to “paint” a cross on a paper plate. She was so proud of her artwork as she gave it to me. “Please hang it up in here so everyone can see!”

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As we served hamburgers in the family dining room, I asked a six-year-old: “Do you know what kind of animal hamburger meat comes from?” He looked at me, then down at his burger, and responded: “McDonalds?”

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I pulled out a jar of peanut butter and a jar of jelly for a three-year-old who wasn’t keen on eating the meal we were serving. His seven-year-old older sister looked at the jar and said: “We’ve got that same kind of peanut butter at home but my dad put it in the window to hold the window up.”

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George, one of our older beloved guests fell a few weeks ago and broke his shoulder. He’s been having a really hard time getting around. Our volunteers have stepped up to help him. One day when it was especially icy outside, volunteer Colleen drove him home. Another day, his sling was falling off and volunteers Cindy and Ann took special care to rearrange his arm in the sling so it wouldn’t hurt so much.

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“Hi can I talk to…” the woman on the other side of the phone hesitated. Often the women calling have forgotten the name of the sister – Rosanne – that they hope to speak with but they know they can reach her at this number. “Umm…” the woman on the phone continued, “can I talk to… Mother Teresa?”

“Guess what I am?” said a guest of the soup kitchen as he was walking out the door after finishing his meal. “I’m a happy satisfied customer!”

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A guest heard I am planning to visit my parents next week. “Tell Greg and Cathy I say hi!” he said. It’s nice how some people really take notice of and remember the smallest things that mean so much – this guest only met my parents once, two years ago when they visited Erie and volunteered at the soup kitchen, yet he remembers their names and wants to send his greetings. Very touching.

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Just read something put out by the Secretary of Human Services in Pennsylvania: “In Erie County, where Second Harvest is located, there are nearly 39,000 people who experience food insecurity. Of this population, almost 12,000 are children under the age of 18.” Emmaus Food Pantry works with Second Harvest food to provide supplemental food for families and individuals in need. But, there are only 275,000 people in Erie County. That means 7 in every 100 people in the county struggles with knowing where they’ll find their next meal.

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When I’ve needed help learning how to budget, friends have suggested that I try to have at least six months’ worth of expenses in a savings account. I just learned, though, that in order to be eligible for SNAP benefits (food stamps), a household must have less than $2,250 in savings. With only $2,250 in savings, that allows only $375/month for food, housing, transportation, and other basic needs for six months. That’s not enough for one person to live on, let alone a whole family. This makes me wonder how a family in need of the most basic of necessities, like food, is going to ever get ahead of living at or below the poverty level if they lose benefits when putting aside money for something like a car – which could provide transportation to and from a better paying job – or housing – that could allow stability and safety. The percentage of households in Erie County living like this – those who receive SNAP benefits – is 17.6% of the overall population.

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While out walking, I met a woman who frequents our soup kitchen and food pantry with her children. “I just got a job!” She told me excitedly. But then quickly said, “But I’m really worried. My kids and I are hungry. When I got my job, we immediately lost half our food stamps and with my new job, I can’t make it to the Food Pantry anymore because I work during that time.” I reassured her we could make something work out to still get her family the food they rely on each week to get by. But she still held concerns: “Because we lost the food stamps, we need to re-budget everything. I’m not sure how we’re going to make it. I don’t mind going hungry – I’ve trained myself to just eat one meal a day. But my children… how do I tell my three- and five-year old kids that they just have to go without for a bit longer when they look in the cupboards and find nothing?”

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There’s a little girl at the soup kitchen. She’s almost three. She never smiles. I know she’s loved by her family, but she’s also growing up with a lot of chaos, including uncertainty about where next meals will come from and family members with untreated mental illnesses. I worry about her experiencing so much trauma at such a young age. How will it impact her development?

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Last night I went to a meeting at City Hall about transportation in the City of Erie. There were all kinds of people there advocating for better pedestrian safety on the streets. Two things stuck out to me: first, how poorly maintained some sidewalks are for folks who use wheelchairs or walkers to get around. I thought about the unevenness of sidewalks on East 11th Street – particularly from the Friendship Apartments to our Soup Kitchen and Food Pantry – where many folks travel often using wheelchairs or some sort of walking support. Second, the presenter said that on average, people spend 18 cents out of every dollar they make on transportation. That’s a lot of money – and for some in Erie, it even amounts to more than the 30% of one’s total income.

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“What do you do about people who come to the soup kitchen who could get a job but don’t?” asked a friend of Margaret. Margaret responded: “There are all different reasons why people don’t have jobs and we don’t necessarily know all of them. And it’s impossible to tell who is job-ready by just looking at the people who walk through our doors. Many struggle with mental illnesses and addictions that can’t be detected just by looking at them, what they are wearing, how they carry themselves, or even looking at what car they might be driving.” The folks of Emmaus are those who fall through the cracks of society. The one thing I would add to Margaret’s response is that “getting a job” isn’t the same as being qualified for and able to maintain a job that provides a living wage, not a minimum wage.

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Just heard this quote and am thinking about the ways in which our society has raised us with unconscious biases; and specifically how racism continues to seep into the ways we’re taught to think about ourselves today. “The difference between a poor black person and a poor white person is that the white person believes ‘this shouldn’t be happening to me.’”

This morning I went with Sister Rosanne while she met with women in need of a little extra help paying their bills. One woman was there with her child – an 8-year-old boy. He was so excited telling me that he got a scholarship to go to camp this summer. “I’m going to learn how to swim and fish and boat!”

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“How are you?” I asked a woman who stopped by the food pantry. “I’m okay,” she replied, “but I’m struggling with some anxiety today. Sometimes that happens. I feel it in my chest – in the shortness of breath.” Unfortunately, quite a few guests of Emmaus struggle with different sorts of mental illnesses and emotional distress. And often these struggles go undiagnosed or untreated due to a lack of adequate health care. If one is struggling to pay for food, paying for doctor’s visits and medications – along with bus passes to get to these appointments – might seem like a heavier burden than enduring untreated.

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A new family has been coming to the soup kitchen lately. There’s a mom, dad, and three young daughters aged 3-9. The eldest daughter most fluently speaks English. It’s clear that mom and dad understand English but are nervous to speak in fear of making a mistake. I understand this. When I was in college, I studied abroad in Santiago, Chile for five months. Previously, I had studied Spanish for seven years in school so I could read and write and understand most of what I heard, but my speaking level was conversational at most. When I arrived in Santiago, I was scared to talk. And then when I did talk, no one understood what I said because my accent was so poor. I became frustrated. I took a class – in Spanish – in my favorite subject and struggled to contribute to the discussions, not because I wasn’t passionate or knowledgeable but because my ability to speak the language wasn’t proficient. For the first time in my life I got a glimpse of how difficult it must be to be a New American attempting to offer to society the skills and passions and talents brought from your home country when communication was a barrier that keeps one from letting others know who you are and what you can contribute. For this reason, I’m especially kind and encouraging to those I meet who struggle to speak English. Likewise, I know there’s more to the parents of these beautiful young children than their silence and that, as soon as they become better acquainted, they will soon find themselves with family-sustaining jobs.

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Emmaus Ministries and St. Benedict Education Center – another ministry of the Benedictine Sisters of Erie – have begun a collaboration on a project to learn more about housing resources for guests in need at both ministries. Because both ministries encounter many folks from the City of Erie struggling to find and retain adequate housing options, the two are hoping to better understand which resources already exist in Erie and how to help our guests use these resources.

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“Can you help a woman outside?” a volunteer of the food pantry asked me. “She’s struggling with something but I’m not sure what advice to give.” When I met the woman outside, she had a three-year old with her. “We just moved to Erie and we’re currently staying in a shelter,” she told me. “I want to get us an apartment but before I can get into a new place, I have to pay at least a few hundred on my past utility bills.” There’s not really any services in Erie that are able to help with this and I told her so. She understood. But after she left, I thought a lot about her situation. What factors caused her to have such a high unpaid utility bill? Did something happen that was out of her control or was she fiscally irresponsible? Maybe she never learned what to prioritize in spending money – or never was taught how to budget? But at the same time, I wondered why the electric companies would let her bill get so high. After some point, wouldn’t it be responsible on their part to have a talk with her about how things are getting out of control, rather than continuing to charge her for what she clearly was unable to pay? And, now that she is in debt past a quick recovery point – what is she to do? Where is she to live? In a shelter for years, until she can scrounge up the money to pay back what’s due? And at some point, is there a possibility to see a human in need – even if she has made mistakes that led to her need – and offer forgiveness?

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I was biking from the Emmaus offices to the soup kitchen the other day when I ran into a few of the children who eat at the kitchen with their families. They stopped me on my bike and asked all kinds of questions of how far I ride and why I bike and what different parts on my bike were. Then they told me they’re starting school soon. “I’m going to be on my best behavior this year,” said Jacob, who is going into the fifth grade. “Because last year I got in trouble all the time.” Last year, Jacob would come to the kitchen with his mom and sister but not his dad – dad was serving time in jail. And it was clear Jacob was having a hard time with him away. At one point last year, when Jacob was getting in a lot of trouble, I remember him saying to me: “I’m going to drop out after the fifth grade.” “You’re what?!?” I responded. “Why? What will you even do?” He just shrugged his shoulders and said: “sit around. Do nothing.” So when he told me today that he was going to be on his best behavior this year because he really wants to do well in school and make his teachers see how smart he really is, I could have cried happy tears over his change in self-motivation and self-assurance.

Joan was in line at the Food Pantry when she asked Marie, a volunteer, if she knows if we have any clothes. “We don’t often have clothes,” said Marie, “because we’re not able to store them here. Which means we aren’t able to take donations either. But… what size are you looking for, just in case I hear of anything?” Joan responded. A woman standing behind Joan asked: “If you don’t mind me asking, where are you staying?” Joan responded. The woman said: “My daughter just unexpectedly moved out. Instead of graduating high school this month, she just up and left, leaving behind everything. I have clothes, shoes, jewelry, everything. I have no clue where she went. Do you want it? If so, I’ll drop it off at the place you’re staying.”

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“Would you like carrots?” I asked a woman at the Food Pantry. “No – last time I got them they tasted weird,” she started to say before interrupting herself. “But actually, I think they tasted weird because they were poisoned by my neighbor… she sneaks into my house and poisons my food. I’ve lost 70 pounds in the last six months because of food poisoning… She’s trying to kill me! She’s a criminal and should be locked up in jail!” Whether or not this is true, I can’t imagine how this woman can go about her daily life –fulfilling her basic needs – when living in such a constant state of fear.

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Sister Mary just got off the phone. “Wow, that’s great. Last week this woman needed help with everything and today she just said she got a job, a place to stay, a cell phone, and has her kids in school.” Wouldn’t it be great if things worked out so easily for all our guests in need?

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Driving past the school at dismissal, the children were walking to the Kids Cafe. Sister Mary and I drove past and we rolled down the window to say hello. They waved back and called us out by name. It’s nice to be known.

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Today one of our dear guests, Tom, was laid to rest. The Emmaus staff and several volunteers attended the ceremony. When we arrived, we were all surprised by how many cars were in the parking lot. Bunches of people came out for Tom’s funeral – neighbors and even friends from his childhood. He was a well-liked man in the east side of Erie. Sisters Lucia and Claire Surmik provided us all with a gift by singing near Tom’s casket an old Slovak song. Though Tom was a proud Polish man, they thought he still might appreciate their Slovak.

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“I’m exhausted,” said the young mother who brought her three little kids in to eat right before the soup kitchen was scheduled to close. “I just worked a 10-hour shift, picked the kids up from daycare, and I’m hoping they’ll go to bed well tonight.” She was on her own with the children because her husband was working his job. “What kind of work are you doing?” I asked. “Landscaping,” she replied. “It’s a great job but it’s hard work.” The oldest child, a six-year-old girl full of bouncy energy, added: “Mommy makes a lot of money! Her boss pays her every week!” Her mom laughed. “Well, I’m not paid every week, nor to I make ‘a lot’ of money – but enough to pay some of the bills for now.”

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“I just moved and everything in my house is all disorganized and I don’t have any food and can’t remember the last time I ate…” she said in all one breath when she came to the door of the soup kitchen. “I’m starving.”

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“I make $8 an hour,” a woman waiting to meet with Sister Rosanne – the woman’s advocate – told me. “That’s not enough to get by. Even working two jobs I can’t make enough in a day to pay for my rent and all my other bills. I’m planning to go to the Tech and get a degree in Management so I can at least make $10 an hour or more.” I’m glad to hear she is thinking ahead and being proactive about trying to support herself but at the same time, I wonder if the $10 an hour she’ll make after her degree will pay for her current bills and cover her newly acquired student loans.

Last week at the soup kitchen our regular guest, Greg, recited a poem he wrote. “Wow, I said, “I didn’t know you wrote poetry.” He smiled and told us that was one of many, many poems he has written over the years. I told him if he brought in his favorite ten poems, I would type them up for him. This week, he brought in a grocery bag filled with his poetry, dating back to the 1980s.

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The children only had a half day of school today so the family dining room was very busy. I enjoy it when it’s busy – it’s nice to have so many people around talking and laughing and eating good food. At one point, every table was filled and each family had at least three kids.

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An adult guardian of children at the Kids Cafe has been bullying the other children. This is unacceptable at the Kids Cafe – or at any of the Emmaus locations. She’s been asked to act differently but hasn’t changed in a few weeks time. Unfortunately, because she’s a danger to the others, the children she’s watching will not be able to attend the Kids Cafe for a while.

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I’ve spent the week typing up different poems for Greg. He also shared with me his life story, which he calls “A Life Redeemed.” It feels so intimate and personal to read someone’s handwritten experiences about their life. And reading it has opened my eyes up to a world very different than mine – one filled with a big family, lots of drinking and drugs, car and motorcycle accidents, political commentary, and a lot of faith in Jesus – faith that holds everything else together in his life and gives him meaning in the most difficult of times.

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Today Sister Rosanne received a letter in the mail from a young man who is serving time in jail. When he was younger, she used to support his family. “You were truly a blessing to me while I am in prison and you will always be my God mom,” he says. And he recounts how what she did when he was a child sticks with him to this day: “I remember as a child when you took all of us kids to the movies to see Home Alone 2 in the movie theater. You were always there for us and I wanted to thank you for all that you have done for us while we were kids and now that we are adults you are still there for us. Thank you. I’ll see you soon.”

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One of the landlords of a soup kitchen guest who needs help came to the soup kitchen to talk with Rita and Sister Rosanne. Rita took the time to talk with him about how many of our guests have money to get a place and pay for it but are scared to do so because if they hit a crisis, they can no longer pay for their places.

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A woman was being asked questions about who her support system is - family, friends, other people she calls when in need. “I have seven siblings but they aren’t my support system,” she said. “When I need someone, I go to Emmaus and talk to Colleen (one of our regular volunteers) and the other Emmaus staff. They help me.”

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G was acting up at the soup kitchen, swearing and trying to get in fights with her husband in front of everyone in the dining room. Sister Rosanne tried to calm her down but it didn’t work. So finally she said, “G, listen, you can’t act like this here. Your behavior is unacceptable so you have to leave today. You can come back tomorrow but today you’re out.” Then Sister Rosanne shared some Benedictine wisdom with G: “Whatever happened today is over and done with. The Rule of Benedict says you fall and get up. Each day is a new day, a fresh start. Tomorrow you can start again.”

There’s a family that comes to the soup kitchen regularly. The mom has four children, all under the age of six. Tonight, two of them came running in the door, greeting me in their usual manner of yelling: “Hi best friend!” Their brother, a five-year-old, brought me a flower he had just picked from a neighbor’s yard. It’s so nice to be recognized and adored.

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I just read something that says “Every time a child changes schools, it sets them back 3-6 months.” Some of our children at the soup kitchen or Kids Cafe change schools often – and many because their parents are unable to continue paying rent or utilities at a place. Often, we hear from parents that the electricity/heat bill is through the roof in winter because the apartments they are staying in are not adequately quipped for Erie’s winters, i.e. they have broken or old windows or too little insulation. Yet several landlords haven’t fixed the problems because the residents pay for heat so landlords don’t know or don’t care to make changes to better winterize the house, which would bring tenants’ costs down, which would in turn allow tenants to stay in places longer than they currently do.

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Lately at the food pantry, we’re giving out dark chocolate that comes in a small wrapped package that looks like a thin bar of soap – one that you’d get at a hotel. A week or so ago, a woman came in and, upon receiving another piece of chocolate said, “I really like this soap but it smelled a lot like chocolate when I used it…”

This morning I went to Erie High School and talked with their teachers about poverty, homelessness, and hunger in Erie, a topic the faculty is very familiar with since the school services many families struggling with poverty. The teachers had an in-service day, so all were there – about 60 or so. We talked about the cycles of poverty that some of the students might be experiencing and how this poverty comes about. “Are these people just lazy?” I asked the teachers, addressing a common myth. “Not all of them,” a teacher responded. “Some struggle to just take care of basic human needs: like fulfilling hunger and finding a place to sleep each night. If they’re solely focused on these basic needs, how will they ever be able to move ahead in life?”

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Today I spoke to participants at SBEC, St. Benedict Education Center, about the services of Emmaus Ministries and how they can benefit if they need food. One of the men was pretty quiet except when I began talking about the Kids Cafe. “My children go there,” he said, “and it’s been wonderful for them. I really recommend it.” A woman sitting next to him said, “My son and I just moved here from Pittsburgh. He’s an only child and I’ve been looking for something for him to do after school. This looks like a great option.”

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Tonight at the soup kitchen, there was a mother with five small children. The youngest was a baby in a car seat, the second youngest was in a high chair. As I was pouring their drinks, the middle child proudly announced to me: “We have two babies!” So I replied: “That’s wonderful. I don’t have any babies.” She looked at me. “You don’t?” she asked. Then she said: “You will! A baby will come in your belly!”

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I am so impressed with one of our volunteers, Ann, who helped a regular guest we have that’s going through a gender transition. The guest is transitioning from female to male and has changed his style and his name and his pronouns already. But Ann didn’t know all that yet and wasn’t quite sure how to address the guest. So when the guest came in, she said: “Is your name still Jenny?” The guest said no and told her his new name. Ann said: “Okay” and began to address him according to his gender identity. Not only is this an appropriate and kind way to interact with someone who identifies as transgender, it’s also a beautiful testament of how our volunteers accept our guests as exactly who and where they are each day.

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“Every woman should know where she lives and her phone number,” said Sister Rosanne Lindal-Hynes to a husband of a woman asking for some help. Sister Rosanne was trying to elicit information from her but the woman doesn’t speak English and couldn’t answer. Her husband speaks English but says his wife doesn’t learn well. “Why don’t you want to talk to me?” He asked Sister Rosanne. “Do you not like men?” Sister Rosanne responded: “I am an advocate for women and I believe each woman should be able to speak for herself.”

“It’s not just that the food here is so good,” said a guest, “but it’s also a nice atmosphere. So nice that I would even bring a date here!”

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Phil dropped off a tub of money that he used to collect change in. It wasn’t very big – maybe the size of a piggy bank. When Margaret counted the money, she was surprised. “There was $658 in there!” she exclaimed. That’s a lot of change. And that’s especially a lot of change to donate to Emmaus – thanks to Phil for caring.

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Very regularly, one of the older Benedictine sisters sends money. “Here is a small share of my abundance,” she wrote, “for the poor and needy that you serve so lovingly and with such care. With my gratitude, my prayers, my love.”

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“I am 84 years old,” says the note that came to Emmaus after the latest Annual Appeal, “and I only live on Social Security which I receive only once a month. Not very much. I am all by myself. No one to help me. Will send at least $5 later on. God bless.”

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Students from one of the local Catholic schools made colorful placemats for the guests of the soup kitchen. One guest held his placemat up and said: “If I had my own place, I’d hang this on the wall.”

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Someone asked Fr. Leo to say a mass for his mother and offered a donation. The priest said: “I’ll say the mass if you send the offering to Emmaus instead.”

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Today a woman at the food pantry asked for a glove. “Just one,” she said, “because I only lost one glove.”

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Yesterday, I got to hold a tiny baby at the soup kitchen. He was only 11 days old.

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Union workers at GE are on strike because they cannot come to a just agreement with Wabtec. Rob, a union leader, called Sister Mary and asked if we could help some of the families get food. “Of course we will help you all,” she said, “you’ve done so much for and have been loyal to Emmaus for many years.” When she got off the phone, she addressed the office saying: “We’ll open the food pantry an extra day for them if necessary.”

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Right when he walked in the door, all the volunteers noticed: Greg – one of our loyal guests – had cut off his long beard and straggly hair. “My mom was my hero,” he said, “and this was her death day. I cut my hair in honor of her. She never liked it when I had a beard!”

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In addressing the staff at an Emmaus meeting, Sister Mary reflected on her frustrations of the way the poor are often treated. “They’re barely able to choose anything for themselves. Everything they get they have to ask for; and they don’t get to choose what they will get.” For example, even at the soup kitchen, the only thing guests can choose for themselves is what dessert they get. Everything else is picked for them: we choose the meat and the potatoes and the vegetables the guests will eat. It made me think about all the choices I take for granted.